Hi Subscriber First Name,

The other day, a client and I explored the nuances of her dog’s aggressive behavior. The client, desperate to understand why this behavior is occurring, struggled to free herself from a familiar snag – was it her fault? Or her partners?

As we sifted through potential solutions, I offered a strategy that required her partner’s participation.

She hesitated – “…but I don’t think he’ll do that. Is there anything else I can try?”

She was feeling unsupported, alone in her struggle.

I’ve met her partner - illness was the reason he didn’t join the session that day, not unwillingness to participate. He loves this dog as much as she does and has seemed delighted to try other recommendations. I believed he would help her.

I also related to her isolated self-sufficiency. I have run marathons down that road!

A particular memory comes to mind (okay, it’s more like 17 memories!) in which my partner, Tom, had returned from walk and vented about how hard it was when Muggins erupted in a reactive explosion while passing some bunnies.

As I had listened to his report, heat rose inside me as angry thoughts filled my lonely, burnt-out brain. How could you let that happen?! Why didn’t you do it the way I told you?! Why won’t you help me?!

But Tom didn’t let Muggins react that way. He didn’t ignore my advice, nor did he intentionally not help me. He just had a hard time because the situation was hard. He experienced the exact same things I did with Muggins. Yet, I believed I was alone - and then I acted in ways that made sure I was.

Things finally changed when I learned to recognize and name what I was feeling, connect that feeling with a need, and care for that need.

Once I had a language to describe my own experience, I could more easily recognize that same experience in others – including Tom (and Muggins!)

Tom’s reports after difficult walks became moments for us to connect in our shared struggle, rather than moments for me to blame him.

So, when my client resisted my advice out of fear that she would be alone in her efforts, I didn’t change course and guide her to self-sufficiency.

Instead, I reminded her that having support is possible. Then, I helped her reframe the approach – don’t tell him that he needs to fix it, just ask if he’d be willing to help you.

It’s not you versus him. It’s both of you, together.